Dear Fanfictioners
by Alohormora Obliviate
Summary: What's this? Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger and several others have found... Fanfiction! A series of letters from the Harry Potter characters, about their views on Fanfictions... Uh oh...
1. Draco's Dismay

**A/N- Well, this is my first Fanfic. Whoop whoop. Honestly, it's a little hard to be excited when it's 3:32 in the morning and I want to go to bed, but am stuck to this Fanfic. Please, PLEASE do not be offended by this Fanfic, it's just for fun, not to bash or flame people! Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Trust me; if I owned Harry Potter, then there would be a LOT more Dramione. By the way, if y'all ain't wizards, I don't own Harry Potter.**

_Dear Fanfictioners,_

_First of all, I had no idea that stories- yes, they are ONLY stories- were being distributed across this… Muggle Internet world about me! And what stories! _Granger_? And _me_? What are you, blind? I wouldn't even touch Hermi-I mean Granger- even if a Hungarian Horntail started ripping out my intestines! And that's not the end of it! Oh, no!_

_Firstly, my eyes are _GREY. GREY. GREY. _Not 'azure', or 'turquoise', 'crystal', or even 'cobalt', which means that they don't turn a 'merry, dancing blue' when I'm happy. Silver, or platinum, I will accept (grudgingly) but it's just too flattering. In not such a good way. _

_On the flattering note, I AM NOT VAIN. I do not spend five hours preening over my hair, or pose in front of the mirror, or suchlike girly exercises that you imagine me to do. Really, a Malfoy has to look perfect (or at least adequate) whatever the occasion. Even that one second cousin, twice removed who insisted on wearing a dead rat on his head- well, at least his hair was always immaculate. But that rodent really ruined the whole image._

_Also, what's this about me _begging_? For Herm-Granger, no less! I do not beg for a girl. I do not beg for anything. What a Malfoy wants, a Malfoy gets. And Malfoys' do not wish to have a frizzy-haired, buck-toothed, hard-punching, muggle-born Hermione Granger. Simple. _

_Even if I had wanted an evil witch for my partner, my father would not get in my way. He knows that a Malfoy gets what he wants. Especially this Malfoy. Who do you think I got my charm, my cunning ways, my Slytherin from? My old man, that's who. _

_Oh, and what's this? Blaise Zabini may be one of my good partners in crime, but we're not 'best buddies'. We don't go around skipping arm in arm, or make cheap heart lockets that say 'Best Fwends for Eva!', or giggle endlessly at some magazine. Just to clarify. _

_AND THE FINAL ACCUSATION: I do not see Hermione Granger as a wonder-filled, rainbow-burping, glitter-farting goddess. O.K, so that one time in Fourth Year at the Yule Ball… I wasn't staring like all the other boys, goggling and slavering, but instead _gazing _and _platonically pondering _how much Her-Granger would scream if I let a Blast-Ended-Skrewt destroy her tawdry robes. So what if I glanced at her every few minutes? I just wanted to see if that spinach was still stuck in her rabbit-teeth. _

_Now, I must get going. I have a date- an appointment with a certain Her-Grang-Hermione Granger. I bet you'd like to hear all about it! Ha! Nosy, aren't you? If you Fanfictioners do not correct your tremendous mistakes, I shall- shall- WRITE ALL THE NON-DRAMIONE (what an absurd name!)FANFICTIONS I CAN! HA! Well… On the appointment with Her-Granger, I will think up all the possible tortures I can while she drones on about Creekshams. Behave now, little Muggle Fanfictioners!_

_Yours truthfully (even though you story-tellers aren't so honest),_

_Draco Malfoy_

_P.S- I really am quite flattered, though. I mean, come on. You can't not be a sucker for this: _His luminous, silky-soft hair fluttered slightly in the breeze, like moonbeams or sunlight on ponds. Draco's eyes, pools of silver seemed to gaze right through you, to your soul, your very inner being. His body was not overly steroid-crazy muscled, but was lean and lithe like a panther. However, it did make you wonder what he would look like without his shirt… _I mean, come on. You like a little compliment too. What was that? I'M NOT VAIN, I SWEAR ON MERLIN'S SAGGY UNDERWEAR. Night, Fanfictioners!___

**A/N- Thanks for reading, Fanfictioners! It would be great if you... REVIEWED! YAY! **


	2. Hermione's Horror

**A/N-Here we go again… Thanks to PoisonParadiseExpress, my first reviewer, winterwinds1234, guest The Engie, and Dementors hate chocolate! Feel free to flame this Fanfic, I love a good constructive criticism. **

**Disclaimer: As much as I would like to own Harry Potter, I don't. Sadly. **

_Dear Fanfictioners,_

_Well- I'm almost _speechless_. Wizardry is obviously not a huge secret in the Muggle world, is it? Let me get this straight- I AM NOT BELLATRIX'S DAUGHTER, NEITHER VOLDEMORT'S, AND DON'T EVEN __THINK __ABOUT SAYING ZABINI IS MY TWIN. FOR CIRCE'S SAKE. WILL YOU NEVER LEARN? I MEAN- AARRRRRGH!_

_Now I've calmed down a little-_

A LITTLE? You were throwing pillows around the apartment, yelling WHY? WHY, CRUEL WORLD? DAMN YO-OUCH!

_SHUT UP GINNY! Too much Firewhiskey last night, you know. Out partying with Harry. Anyway, I have to go tidy up that burn mar- I mean that… tea stain in the sofa cushions. Ginny, leave the letter alone. _

Hehe. Hermione should know me well enough that I won't obey her. I've peeped into her wonderfully vulnerable diary. Why, she even has a crush on Mal- OWW!

_GINNY. __WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STAYING AWAY FROM THE__- NOO!_

That's right Hermione. Back away. I've got the bigger pillow, and I'd be afraid if I were you. I wouldn't like to see what this goose-feather stuffed bad boy can do. Drop that cushion. That's right. Now, I'm going to reveal it all- HERMIONE LIKES MALFOY! Why, they've even got a date tonight! Or as precious Hermione calls it, an appointment. There. It's out. I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of dearest Hermione Granger. Watch out. She bites.

_AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! It's NOT A DATE! IT IS MOST DEFINITELY AN __APPOINTMENT__. See, I underlined it! Ha! The line proves it all! Hmmph. I suppose you would like to know how we set up with an __appointment__. Well, as this letter will stay safely inside my diary _**(A/N- You wish Hermione. BWA HAHAHAHAH!) **_I will tell you. Come, look at that quill and we'll have a flashback…._

_It was a beautiful and sunny day, outside of my window. Inside was much less pleasing. Here I am, Hermione Granger, famous, powerful witch of the future… spinning around on my wheeled chair. I was bored. I had nothing to do. Saint Mungo's was having slow hours that week. So, I gyrated on my chair while Crookshanks and his companion Snagglepaws curled up under my desk and started at me curiously, Crooks with his giant yellow eyes and Snaggles with her even bigger green eyes. I'm not even sure why I'm telling you this. It's not that important in a flashback. Anyway, Adie, my assistant, entered the room and said that The Boss wants to see me. I stood up real quick, hid the two cats, and straightened my blue robes just before Malfoy came into my office. He starts up with some small talk, something about how he's been forced to- __wants__ to know his employees a little better. I casually mentioned Fanfics, and I expected him to stare at me, all confused and stuff. I didn't expect him to smack his forehead and groan, "Oh, those Drarry shippers! I mean… all those years of scathing looks and curses and insults aren't 'sexual tension'! And why does everyone think Pansy is a dumb bimbo? She's a nice girl, though not the best looking. And Millicent! She's quite friendly too, once you get past the smell. And Drapple! What is it with the apple? I was on a diet, and apples just happened to be nice-tasting and nutritious!" We went on in this fashion for a while until finally; we broke off into hysterical laughter much to the perplexity of Adie. Malfoy proposed that we meet up in Hogsmeade to continue this rant. I accepted. _

_There you go. Happy? Now, for another rant. Ready?_

_Okay- I am quite pleased by your descriptions of me. I'm not quite that pretty, although I've been feeling like changing my look lately. But seriously- _my _avid descriptions of Malfoy? They're atrocious! I mean, Malfoy's hair isn't _that_ shade of pale white-blonde that looks so soft you wouldn't be surprised if it was as soft as… as soft as… a chinchilla. _**(A/N- Real romantic, Hermione.) **_And his eyes aren't beautiful depths of silver that gleam as bright as new pennies when he laughs… But his 'ceps are that good. That's one thing you Fanfictioners got right. Fine. I'll admit. I do like Malfoy… But that secret shall not go out of this room! _**(A/N-Sure Hermione. Right.) **

_Also, I'm not that much of a nerd. I don't spout facts 24/7, or freak out when anyone gets anything wrong. I just like curling up with a big fat classic. Is it that bad to be top of the class? Another thing. You make me seem standoffish to my 'enemies'. I mean, as soon as someone says something spiteful about me I don't avoid/insult them whenever I see her/him! Maybe that would happen after a while but- but- AARGH! It's no use…_

_I'm not an attractive woman. I won't hide that from you. Perhaps I'm a bit pretty, but not atrociously stunning, with 'chocolate brown hair that curled deliciously over my shoulders', or 'caramel eyes that sparkled and captured everyone in their gaze'. And I'm sorry, but how would you know if my bust size was 35C? Do you peek into my shower, cameras at the ready? That's really creepy. _

_There are other ships that just FREAK ME OUT. At least Draco is my age, quite good-looking, and my species. Snape? Oh God. Just no. No. NO. Harry? I've been friends with him too long to even THINK about that. Fred? Well, that's okay, but he's much too… hyper and giddy for my likes. Voldemort? That's just SICK SICK SICK. SICK, I tell you. SICK. Does the fact that his evil crazy henchwoman carved the words 'Mudblood' into my arm tell you anything? Ginny? Really? _Really? _Sure, we're pretty good friends, but that doesn't mean you… ship us together automatically! Jeez! DOBBY? I mean, sure, he was a cool elf, but he… he… he wears a TEA-COSY on his HEAD! HE'S NOT EVEN HUMAN! Urrgh! _

_Eep! Look at the time! Gotta go get ready for my, um, __appointment __with Draco. Now, behave! And Ginny, don't you DARE come near this letter!_

_With the scrap of due respect I have, _

_Hermione Granger_

What? You don't trust me? Why on Earth would I DARE to come near your precious letter? Why, honest, just, truthful Ginny Weasley does not look at letters, or diaries that certain people leave in bathrooms open and uncharmed and just CALLING for people to read them! NEVER! By the way, Hermione dear, nice rant. Showing great promise. Night, Fanfictioners!

**A/N- Thanks for reading, folks! Who do you want next to rant? I can't promise, but... give some ideas if you can while REVIEWING! YAY! **


	3. Ron's Rage

**A/N- Hey, y'all! Here's Ron's point of view! Note: This chapter isn't a letter. I'm changing it up a little.**

**Disclaimer: I solemnly swear I do not own Harry Potter.**

_Crooksie is online._

_ChudCans is online. _

_ChudCans: Hey, Hermione. Ron here. It's absurd how this Muggle messaging system only allows your name to be 8 letters long… Now, instead of being a great Quidditch team, my username sounds like a …. Cheap, tacky can brand. 'Come buy your Chud Cans now!' By the way: Do you really STILL insist on naming your account after that vile beast?_

_Crooksie: My heart bleeds for you… Honestly, Ronald, it's not that much of a burden to shorten a name. And who would buy cans? Crookshanks is NOT a vile beast! He just has… mental problems. He's stopped clawing the couch since we got Snagglepaws, and we're working on his mutual dislike towards you. _

_ChudCans: DISLIKE?! Mione, he DUG HIS VICIOUS TALONS INTO MY FACE last time I saw you. And the time before that, he threw up on my Quidditch gear! And then he has the nerve to-_

_Crooksie: It wasn't his fault that he had an upset stomach! He has issues!_

_ChudCans: Issues indeed. Hmmph. If it's so easy to shorten a name, please call me Ron, not Ronald. I can tolerate Snagglepaws (SHE doesn't chuck up on my stuff!), but WHY do fanfics have me actually LIKING Crookshanks?! I have made it VERY clear that I DESPISE THE CREATURE! And you know something else! Do you know, Hermione? I AM NOT-_

_Crooksie: Uh oh. Um- I have to go… I have… Um. Work._

_ChudCans: -JEALOUS THAT YOU, HAVE OPENLY DECLARED THAT YOU ARE GOING OUT WITH FERRET. I AM HAPPY THAT YOU ARE HAPPY. THESE DARN FANFICTIONERS SHOULD BE- SHOULD BE-_

_Crooksie: terminated_

_ChudCans: That's it! TERMINATED! TERMINATED I TELL YOU! Why, do all these people portray me as a rampaging buffalo, intent on mowing any potential threats?! I am fully over you! Just because of ONE rumor, people expect me and you to be together FOREVER! AND SERIOUSLY! What's this with Lavender? I was 16, for Pete's sake! I was in the glory of the moment, and, well, the Butterbeer was setting in! Bloody- Oh, and what's your thing with the 'bloody hell'? I mean, how many teens do you see now that repeat automatically 'whatever' or 'totally'? I see them everywhere! And what's your obsession with my hair?! It's RED, PEOPLE, RED! What's the matter, you never see a ginger before? And my eyes are BLUE, not BROWN! CAN'T YOU GET THAT ONE FACT RIGHT?! AND I'M NOT DUMB! I AM QUITE SMART, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! AND I DO NOT HAVE A BLOODY TEMPER!_

_Chosen1 is online._

_PygPuff is online._

_Chosen1: Ron?_

_PygPuff: Merlin, Ron, that's a bloody temper. _

_ChudCans: I DO NOT HAVE A TEMPER!_

_PygPuff: Sure, Ron, sure._

_Chosen1: …Ron, you do realise that when someone logs off, there is a message that says 'terminated'?_

_ChudCans: …_

_ChudCans: terminated_

**A/N: Hey, sorry that this took so long! This wasn't so much of a rant, 'cause I couldn't find much about Ron wrong in fanfics. And, I won't be updating for a while because I'm going to Melbourne soon, and I'm not bringing the laptop =( Anyways, night Fanfictioners! (or morning, or evening, or afternoon, or whatever.)**


	4. Harry's Hopping Mad Now

**A/N- Hey peoplez! Sorry, last chapter I had the… the horrible… the gruesome… the horrifying… the so evil it haunts even Voldemort… WRITER'S BLOCK! I couldn't figure out how to make Ron's long enough =/ Yeah, so, on with the show! 1 is here! Sorry for being slow, I'm on holiday!**

**Disclaimer: I think we've established this fact. I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, I would be writing the eighth book, not fanfiction.**

_Dear (even though you're not so dear right now) Fanfictioners,_

_Is it bad enough that my parents are dead? Do you _have _to make me the forbidden love child between Lucius and Voldemort? Really? REALLY? _

_Although I do like the Hinny ones. Even though the name sounds like a donkey's name, or a disease. Last time my dearest Ginny read a Harmony story (it took seven weeks and a frantic Hermione to convince her that it was just a story), she drove me out of the house with boogey covered bats shrieking after me. I had to sleep on the couch for FIVE WEEKS STRAIGHT. Thanks a lot. _

_O.K, first of all- I am not a jealous, Malfoy-hating, rabid beast. I didn't bellow at Hermione furiously when she got together with Malfoy (Draco. I must remember- DRACO!) even if Ron did. Ron always had a temper, but he insists on denying it. Malfoy (DRACO!) is quite nice, once you get past the smirk and the stubbornness and his nasty habit of teasing the children and his irritating perfect hair. I wonder what spell he uses. Whatever it is, it makes his head look like a helmet. Hmmph._

_Oh damn. Not another one! __Another _Drarry _Fanfic. I guess I can tolerate Hermione and me, or Luna and me. But me and MALFOY (DRACO!)?! WHY? WHY? WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME?!_

_HARRY JAMES POTTER_, FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP YELLING AT YOUR MERLIN-DAMNED PIECE OF PARCHMENT, AND TAKE OUT THE RUBBISH LIKE I TOLD YOU TO DO TEN DAMNED MINUTES AGO! YOU'VE WOKEN LILY UP, ALBUS IS SCREAMING, AND JAMES IS DEMANDING _VERY LOUDLY _THOSE DAMN SHERBET LEMONS YOU GAVE HIM ONCE! I'VE GOT A HEAD-SPLITTING MIGRAINE, SO IF YOU DON'T SORT THIS OUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SNOTTY BATS UP YOUR NOSE!

_Oh dear. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if it was her time of the month._

_HARRY POTTER, I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE, OR THE BOY WHO LIVED, BUT YOU'RE __SO__ GETTING A STICK SHOVED UP YOUR ARSE, __AND__ YOU HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT! DO YOU HEAR ME? _

_Yes, Ginny darling…_

_You know, I don't see why people make it seem like Ginny is a flaming demon all the time. Sure, she has her moments, like when Hermione introduced her to Malfoy (DRACO DRACO DRACO), but really she's a sweet, charming woman. But once she whips out her wand and points it menacingly at you, you're done for. Honestly, bogey covered bats hurt. Especially when they're directed at THAT precious piece of anatomy. No, not THAT one! I meant your _head_!_

_Shoot… have to take out the rubbish-can before Ginny comes back from Lily's room. And run quickly to the store to get some sherbets. Why, WHY did I give James them? He's hyper enough when he's not hopped up on sugar._

_Yours (no, not that way Ginny!) truly,_

_Harry Potter_


	5. Voldemort's Vengeance

**A/N: Hey, Fanfictioners! It's been a while… I've been MIND-POOPED! So, what character should I write about next?**

**Disclaimer: I think you've heard it, I don't own a bit! (Yeah, I don't own Harry Potter. Or Lady Gaga's songs.)**

_Dear Fanfictioners,_

_Try to show a guy some affection. Get made fun of by the whole of the internet. You know, being evil is great and all, but really? Even after death, you kill me again and again? I just wanted world domination, was that too much to ask of you?_

_Apparently._

_Jeesh. Dying really teaches a half-snake, half-human, soul-shredded-into-seven-parted man that focusing your mind on one little thing like becoming the ultimate evil genius just wastes time. I'm pretty good at basketball for my age- yo gangster Voldy in da house (my homies taught me that)! Also, I'd like to get my creative juices flowing. Get into my music, ya know? Want to hear? Hahahaha – NO. Awesome villains like me don't give people choices!_

Oh-oh-oh-oh-ooooooooh-oooooooooooooooooh

Oh-oh-ohhhh

Caught in a bad romance!

Oh-oh-oh-oh-

**_Voldy Poldy, didn't muggle royalty sue you for claiming this song as your own? A Lady Papa- Nana?- Lala! A Lady Lala said nonsense about you copying her song. Humph! And you could see she was openly jealous of my torn, filthy, absolutely delightfully malicious dress! Oh, wait, there's a sweet innocent young muggle girl over there! I'll be back, darling, just let me some crush her soul!_**

_Now you see why I'm caught in a bad romance? Bellatrix keeps on _clinging_. I know I'm an epic, not to mention very handsome villain who can conjure up light sabers and stuff and kill people and rip souls into pieces- but can't she just lay off? Please. She's totally like, half of my age. Eternal slave and all, blah blah blah, but she feels like it's her duty to shine my shoes with her spit. Literally. My shoes smell funny now. I wonder what Bella eats._

_Wait. What? You're telling me that there are actual _stories _about me? And Bellatrix? And that FILTHY MUD-BLOOD GRANGER?!_

**_Take deeeeep breathes Voldy Poldy. One, two, one, two! Want a backrub, my evil little sweet pea? Put that on hold- another mild little girl! This is a very productive day! Ta ta! 39565_**

_… You see? Are you seeing? You really wanna pair me with HER?_

**_Pair me with what, angel? Oh, those darling fanfictions! I'll recommend some! WAIT, WHAT!? Only 39, 565 stories pairing us?! Don't worry, the world will see our love one day!_**

_Hey, some of this stories (STORIES!) are really good! Hey, what's the M mean!_

**_Oh, wait my dearest- _**

_MY EYES MY EYES MY EVIL RED SNAKE EYES THEY BUUUUURRRN! GET WATER! GET HEALERS! CAST A SPELL! STAY CALM! DON'T PANIC! EXIT IN A CALM AND ORDERLY FASHION! HEY, DON'T LEAVE ME! MY GOODNESS! GOLLY! GOOD GO! SWEET MOTHER TERESA! BLESSED ALLAH! ZEUS AND HERA! MARY AND JOSEPH! CHUCK NORRIS! PUT SOME ICE ON ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! ARRRRRRRGH!_

**_Goodness me, he just fainted. Hmm. _****Hmmmm. HMMMM. ****_Well, this has been a great meeting and all, but, er, I, erm, ah- GOODBYE! SEE YA! O(Or, maybe, not.) Night Fanfictioners! Tata!_**

**A/N: What Bellatrixy said. Night/morning/evening/afternoon Fanfictioners!**


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